Still trying..

So, I think I've figured out that I feel guilty.  Guilty because Becca is where she is.  I know it's part of the healing process.  It's taking me awhile to get to this.  I feel awful she's there.  I want her home badly.  I was bringing her home everyday for about a 7 day stretch, but it's become too much for me.  It is just like old times.  That sucks.  All she wants to do is YouTube, and she's not had a lot of energy to do much else.  So I end up here at home, not being able to really find any motivation to start any projects, or weeding.  It's laundry, sweeping up the dirt the dog has brought in, mopping up the pee Becca has spilled on the floor, food, hostility, more pee and hey, did I mention Becca's pee??
So, I have left her at St. Margarets for the past two days.  I go and visit her and I pray she is coping.  She's doing pretty well, but wants to come home.  That's ok, I want her to come home, too.  You're not alone kiddo.

So bored.

For fun, guess what I did this evening??  I took a razor blade to the surface of my stove and scraped off all the gunk that has been there since before we moved in here.  It looks brand new.  I, however, are thoroughly bored out of my skull since completing this task. Becca is home today from St. Margarets Center.  The plan is to keep her overnight.  Michael is fishing with a friend, Ali is up in her room, keeping it neat as a pin.  I'm giving Becca a flush right now, then I get to shave her armpits and shower her.  For some reason, no one at
St. Margarets will shave her armpits!  It's annoying as hell to me.  I'm hoping they shave theirs, the women that is, what is so tough about hers?  I have to do it, or it doesn't get done.  This is not what I want to do on a Saturday night.
I really want to do something, anything outside of this house with these dogs that just keep scratching!!!  They do not have fleas, just itchy sensitive skin, and they are making me want to scream.  Or start on my box of wine.  For my adventure today I went grocery shopping.  Woowee.  Then I got all domestic and baked blueberry muffins for Becca, her favorite.  From SCRATCH, no less!  Then I made scalloped potatoes and ham from scratch, too.  I tell you, if I don't get a chance to do something different soon, I'm going to blow my top.  Haven't been to the movies in ages.  Last time we went out to dinner, the girls where at camp, and we went with a couple that have no children and are spending the summer jet setting all over the globe, and they shared with us their spa weekend and how wonderful it was.  YAWN.  WTF did we bother going out with them for?  To spend too much and split the bill when we didn't consume half the food or drinks they did?

I want to get a part time job.  I want to get a full time job, I want to go back to school for nursing, but I won't be able to keep up.  My body is in full flare with my Psoriatic Arthritis, things are very swollen that haven't been in years.  And I'm not just talking about my butt :)  Of course, a med I'm taking has caused me to gain upwards of 19lbs.  I should be about 8 1/2 mo pregnant at this weight.  Somethings got to give, lets just hope it's not as huge as April.