I miss having Becca home tremendously. I do not miss the laundry that smells, nor the wet floors from her peeing buckets of urine. I do not miss her IV care, or her stoma care, or her eating or not eating. I do not miss having to worry about everything about her, and being the only one that seemed to give a flying fig about her and her condition. Everyday is a battle for me to keep her at St. Margarets Center. When will I feel complete as a mom? I feel like a huge part of me has been removed. I know, this will pass. I do not feel guilt for putting her in the facility. I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty.
Taking care of Becca was a one sided conversation at all times. She was often ungratefull and bitchy. I never wanted her to thank me for changing her diaper or sticking a one inch needle in her chest. I wanted less gagging, less vomitting, less "I'm FINISHED" being yelled at me. Rebecca has very little control over her life and what occurs in it, this I know and I can appreciate where she is coming from. Taking care of her can be a full time job. Taking care of this big house is a full time job in itself. Keeping everyone elses needs met is a full time job in itself. I get very little help from the family members I live with. I am completely disabled and cannot work. The government has agreed with this decree and they pay me an allotment every month because of it. I still have to do the laundry, make meals, light fires under peoples asses to get them to clean this house.
I want to have my girl home with me. I am not looking forward to the PCA's and the nurses I will need to have in my home to help me care for her. I do not look forward to having to keep everyone happy, when no one seems to want to do anything to make me happy. I have to be the person they bitch at when they aren't happy. It's as though I am in control of everyones actions at all times, and heaven forbid it's not done the way someone wants.
Tired. Fed up. Lonely. Frustrated. Disgusted. broken hearted.
